Calling antisemitism a “deadly and virulent pestilence” that is “comparable to history’s most deadly plagues“, Health and Human Services chief Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared a public health emergency and announced a “warp speed rollout” of mRNA vaccines.
“Antisemitism is worse than bubonic plague, leprosy, anthrax, botulism, and chicken pox all rolled into one,” Kennedy announced at this morning’s press conference. “Actually, it’s vastly worse than chicken pox. Have you ever had chicken pox? I have. I was six years old, and I got to skip school for a week. It was great! Kids these days don’t know what they’re missing. And measles is pretty cool, too. But antisemitism is really, really bad, and that’s why we’re going to have to vax everybody.”
Simultaneously Pfizer and Moderna announced the near-instantaneous rollout of mRNA antisemitism vaccines. Both companies insisted that their vaccines were quite possibly safe and effective, and bragged that they were developed with unprecedented alacrity—2.7 seconds and 2.4 seconds respectively.
Kennedy announced that beginning tomorrow, the internet would be subjected to a public health campaign of draconian censorship. All individuals, groups, websites, bots, memes, or anyone or anything else suspected of harboring the virus of antisemitism will be ruthlessly deplatformed, debanked, isolated, quarantined, incarcerated in camps, and in some cases de-fooded, de-sheltered, and de-heartbeatized.
Additionally, Kennedy ordered a complete national lockdown. Beginning at midnight tonight, all Americans will be confined to their domiciles, where they will be expected to repeatedly sing the Israeli national anthem as a demonstration of their commitment to eradicating the antisemitism scourge.
Kennedy added that billions of facemasks with Israeli flags printed on them would be distributed by Jewish “essential workers”—who would be exempted from all restrictions— and that Americans had better wear those masks if they wanted to receive their kosher food deliveries.
Kennedy ordered all Christian and Muslim houses of worship closed, exempting Jewish synagogues and freemasonic temples. He explained that DNA studies show that the scourge of antisemitism seems engineered to spread among non-Jews while sparing Jews. Freemasons, being honorary Jews, are also believed to enjoy a degree of protection.
Kennedy’s emergency order also features a controversial provision requiring all non-Jewish Americans to remain at least six feet apart from each other at all times. Though some scientists argue there is no convincing evidence that six feet is the magic distance that confers protection against antisemitism, Kennedy and his HHS argue that it is better to be safe than sorry.
Kennedy appointed Rabbi Schmuley Boteach as the new HHS Antisemitism Czar charged with enforcing the emergency containment measures. He noted that Anthony Fauci had applied for the position, but withdrew upon learning that one of the prerequisites was circumcision.
Kennedy conclude his press conference by asserting the efficacy of genocide as a public health measure. He added that President Trump would be sending another $100 billion worth of genocide equipment to Israel by next Tuesday at the latest.